Who the hell is... Tungy?

Full Name: Alex Tomahawk Tsung

Age: Yooooouth

Origin of Name: From the ancient Chinese meaning 'He of the run-out'

Aliases: Al, Tungy

Occupation(s): Apprentice screwdriver holder

Location: Chase Terrace

Batting Style: Flamboyant

Personal Website: Tungy

JW from Worcestershire says: Alex bats very much as if he were a sparkler at a fireworks show. He looks good, but doesn't last long. A constant no-baller by the small margin of around a nine-feet overstep, young Alex is yet to make his mark as a bowler - you could say that he's yet to make a delivery.

How many cricket club members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb

6 to form a light bulb changing sub-committee

3 to decide who is to buy the light bulb

2 to ask John the Veg to try and repair the old light bulb

1 to reluctantly approve the purchase of a new light bulb

1 to make a list of other light bulbs that need changing

1 to put the time and date of the scheduled light bulb changing onto the official website

7 to say they will attend the light bulb changing, who then don't turn up

5 to complain that it's always the same people changing the light bulbs

4 to attend a six-week light bulb changing course, but decide it's too boring and give up half way through

1 to complete the course, then bugger off and get paid for changing other peoples light bulbs

1 to make a trophy for the best light bulb changer

1 to rig the votes and be 'voted' best light bulb changer

12 to blame the Chairman for the failure of the light bulb in the first place

1 to move to Sweden where he can get busty 6th formers in short skirts to change light bulbs for him

1 to claim he's allergic to light bulbs so can't change it

2 to write and email a witty report about the changing of the light bulb

9 to endlessly comment on the witty report via email

2 to create fake images on a spoof website of members of the club in compromising situations with the light bulb

1 to wonder what's wrong with a bit of dark every now and again

36 to reminisce how light bulbs lasted longer, shone brighter and illuminated more under the previous chairmanship

1 from Worcestershire to ridicule the light bulb changing farce

1 to point out the health and safety implications of light bulb changing

1 to email a hyperlink to say he's "fownd sum liteblbs on ebay at a bargin pryce"

3 to deliver leaflets on the local estates about light bulb fundraising events

6 to to say how much better things were when we all used candles

Sack-of-Cackism

Professor Earp, of St Matthews University, today granted an interview with this website on his groundbreaking and revolutionary new theories on the localised trans-quantum-mechanical subatomic gravitational instability particles (commonly known as sack-of-cackism) which are receiving increasing acknowledgement by the established scientific community.

Earp has personally overseen years of intensive research into this strange phenomenon which has plagued cricketing events throughout the ages.

"It seems that at the subatomic level, there are shifts within the localised gravitational fields wherever cricket is played, the cause of which remains largely unknown. However, based on our research, we can begin to theorise towards the causes of this effect as most cases appear whenever there is pressure placed upon an individual in the game.

"We suspect that the individual’s personal electromagnetic field is intensified by the pressure of chasing, fielding or catching a ball and this in turn triggers a chain reaction which results in an instability of the localised gravitational field at the subatomic level.

"The sudden increase in pull towards the earth is quite capable of felling a cricketer in the blink of an eye and in a most unceremonious manner. We have been fortunate to record many such instances over the past few seasons and hope to continue our research into the future."

This website thanks Professor Earp for his time in sharing this intriguing information on a phenomena that has plagued cricket for years.

Dr Who?

In breaking news that will surely amaze the membership, this website can exclusively reveal that our very own Stewart Dyet (age somewhere between 23 and 40) has been unmasked as a timelord!

The enhanced image above clearly shows Dyet about to enter the Tardis for another jaunt through time.

This news will clearly come as a shock to those who know Dyet, who is reputed to use the word "Northampton" as a code word for his time travel antics. The revelations also draw new light on the mysterious betting syndicate Dyet leads and which has recorded amazing successes since it's formation.

This discovery also reveals the fascinating secrets behind Dyet's seemingly never ending fluctuating age.

Saints Rhyming Slang

The Captain seems to think Mystic Meg, Arthur Scargill and Jonathan Ross are playing. He's just told me to smoke a joint - and a lethal dose too! Carl Chin is on the M6 Toll looking for fog on the tyne, there are two closet queens at either end of the ignition switch and to cap it all off, two men have just walked out of the Brazilian.

What does it all mean???

Confused? You need to get up to date with Saints Rhyming Slang!

Fielding Positions
Lucky Dip = Slip - I want two lucky dips please
My Lover = Cover - I want you to be my lover
Smoke a Joint = Point - go smoke a joint please
Mystic Meg = Square Leg - We need a Mystic Meg
Godfather (The Don) = Mid On - Who is the Godfather?
Darren Gough = Mid Off - Can you be Goughy?
Arthur Scargill (picket) = Mid Wicket - Field at Arthur please
Nest Egg = Fine Leg - Do you want a nest egg?
Queen Anne = Third Man - Take a breather down at Queen Anne
Mulder & Scully = Gully - Nice vegetable patch, Mulder
Sad Mourner = Cow Corner - We need a sad mourner for this fat cat
Lethal Dose = In Close - Get in for a lethal dose
Road Sweeper = Wicketkeeper - You're the greatest road sweeper
Huggy Bear = Square - Can you go a bit Huggy Bear
Big Dipper = Skipper - Who's your big dipper?

Bowling
M6 Toll = Bowl - After the next straits of dover, you can M6
Carl Chin = Spin - Do you M6 carl chin?
Laser Beam = Seam - I M6 laser beam and poker face
Poker Face = Pace - He's a pure poker face M6er
Highland Fling = Swing - He can highland fling it all over the place
Fog on the Tyne = Line - That's a good fog on the tyne
Tenth = Length - Nice tenth
High Court = Short - You're in the high court
Cotton Wool = Full - Too cotton wool
Kiss the Bride = Wide - You don't want to kiss the bride
Senegal = No Ball - Too many trips to Senegal
TV Announcer = Bouncer - Nice TV announcer with poker face
Pork Pie = Bye - Lots of pork pies today road sweeper
Private Eye = Leg Bye - Was that a private eye, church spire?
Conger Eel = Appeal - The M6er led a big conger eel
Jonathan Ross = Full Toss - We don't want to see Jonathan Ross
Straits of Dover = Over - That was a good straits of dover

Ground
Liquid Soap = Boundary Rope - I want you on the liquid soap
Brazilian = Pavillion - I was back in the Brazilian
Ignition Switch = Pitch - The ignition switch is a bit green
Six Inch Nails = Bails - The road sweeper took off the six inchers
Athens (Capital of Greece) = Crease - Stay in your Athens
School Pumps = Stumps - Aim for the school pumps
Closet Queen = Sightscreen - Can you move the closet queen please?
Church Spire - Umpire - Howzat, church spire?

Getting Out
Much Maligned = Caught Behind - I was much maligned
Common Cold = Bowled - I got a common cold
Parking Ticket = Leg Before Wicket - I got a parking ticket
Boy Scout = Run Out - A direct hit for a boy scout
Sold Short = Caught - I was sold short by Arthur Scargill
Pickup Truck = Duck - I got a pickup truck
Vegetable Patch = Catch - An excellent vegetable patch, sir
Lucky Ticket = Wicket - A superb lucky ticket

Batting
Fat Cat / Top Hat = Bat - Here comes the next top hat
Prize Money = Bunny - This guy looks like prize money
Pitching Wedge = Edge - A lucky pitching wedge for a Gulf war
Tommy Gun = Run - How many tommy guns have we got?
Granny Knot = Shot - Nice granny knot
Waiting List = Played and Missed - Ooooh, he's on the waiting list
Brazil Nut = Cut - Lovely brazil nut
Take Five = Drive - Take five for a Gulf war
Taurus (The Bull) = Pull - A cheeky Taurus
Kelly Brook = Hook - That's a lovely Kelly Brook
Common Sense = Defence - A bit of common sense
Baa Baa Black Sheep = Sweep - A lovely baa baa
Zak Dingle = Single - A quick Zak
Kung Fu = Turn for Two - Kung Fu!
Gulf War = Four - A lucky Gulf War
Cake Mix = Six - Loads of cake mix
Muppet Show = Over-throw - What a muppet show

Big M in Assassination Shocker!

This evening at about 9:30 P.M., at Moseley Towers, the Chairman, while sitting in his private chambers and browsing a magazine of ill-repute, was stabbed by an assassin, who suddenly appeared in the doorway and approached him.

As the Chairman made a break for freedom, the assassin leaped upon our leader brandishing a large dagger or knife. A struggle ensued before the assassin made his escape through the rear of the building, leaving Moseley in a pool of his own blood.

It is thought the wound will prove to be mortal.

A Police spokesperson announced the attack on the great leader at a hastily arranged press conference. Detectives are now beginning the massive task of compiling a long list of possible motives and suspects for the crime.

SMHCC Fantasy League 2005 Final Table

3319 Jackal's Jokers
2938 Ponk's Players
2817 Ninety Percent
2748 Superscorer's Superstars
2655 H's Heroes
2415 Legendary Eleven the 2nd
2384 Oggies Dynamoes
2209 Grevious Angels
2061 The Family Specials
1952 Dogs Dinner
1885 Farmtretters CC
1822 His Grace The Chairman's XI
1761 The Assassins
1725 Ellen's Eleven
1654 Beasty's Battlers
1624 Retired Legend XI

Who the hell is... Beasty?

Full Name: Neil Gnu Ruscoe

Age: Peak of Career

Origin of Name: From the Swahili meaning 'He that Roams the Savanna'

Aliases: Beast, Beasty, Wilde

Occupation(s): Nurses wage syphoner

Location: Chase Terrace

Batting Style: Paradoxical

Personal Website: Ruscoe

JW from Worcestershire says: Ruscoe, pioneer of the now widely accepted ever decreasing run-up length, is a unique blend of left arm pace (through medium trundle, then turning to gentle off spin from his sixth over onwards) and right handed aggressive batting. A newcomer to the run out competitions currently dominated by Dyet, look out for Ruscoe staking his claim as a genuine all rounder.

THE GREAT XFIELDO AGAIN!

Once Again, Gape In Awe At The Great Xfieldo's Powers

Step 1: Pick a number between 2 and 10

Step 2: Multiply your number by 9

Step 3: You should have a 2 digit number, take both digits and add them together. For example if your number is 32, you would add the 3+2 to equal to 5

Step 4: Take your new number, and subtract 5

Step 5: Now associate this new number with a letter in the alphabet. For example, 1=A, 2=B, 3=C and so on

Step 6: Think of a country anywhere in the World that starts with that letter

Step 7: To make things a little more difficult, take the letter immediately after your original letter and think of a large animal beginning with that letter

Step 8: Now think of the colour that large animal is in the wild

Step 9: Now think of the country, animal and colour of the animal all at the same time

Step 10: Click here and The Great Xfieldo will read your mind

Run Out King 2005

An exciting year of run outs has ended with Oggy Dyet once again being crowned as the SMHCC Run Out King. Last years close runner up Richard Ebdon was once again in the fray, but young Dyet's consistant season-long efforts have seen him emerge as the leader in his field once again.

A surprise newcomer in the form of Neil Ruscoe has emerged as a real contender for the crown and his gallant efforts have not been ignored by the judges.

I'm sure were all waiting eagerly for the first game of next season. Can Dyet get off to another flier (1st ball last time around!). Will Ebdon rediscover his form and mount a serious challenge? And can newcomer Ruscoe, who's taken an almost clean sweep in the artistic merit awards this time round, go one step better and stake a claim for the crown? Only time will tell.


Run Out King Awards

Totals

Oggy Dyet - 17
Richard Ebdon - 11
Neil Ruscoe - 8


Artistic Merit Awards

Best Newcomer - Neil Ruscoe
Best Run Out - Neil Ruscoe
Best Improvised Run Out - Neil Ruscoe
Best Technical Run Out - Oggy Dyet
Best Freestyle Run Out - Neil Ruscoe
Best Comedy Run Out - Neil Ruscoe
Best Supporting Victim - Alex Tsung
Best Visual Effect in a Run Out - Richard Ebdon
Captain's Run Out Award - Richard Ebdon
Lifetime Achievement Award - Oggy Dyet