Friday, July 28, 2006

Porn Mountain Finds New Home?

Strong rumours are presently circulating that the EU Surplus Porn Mountain, which was formally stored at a secret and secure location in Scholars Gate, Burntwood, has been moved under cover of darkness to a new home.

The guardian of the perverse accumulation, known only as M to protect his identity, was today unmoved on the story.

"I don't want to leave anyone in a sticky position over this", M announced through a spokesperson, "I can't understand how you came upon these rumours and I'd like to stiffly bash them on the head right away. If the guardianship of the mountian were to ever pass to another, I'd like to assure you that the press would be informed beforehand".

However, mass debate has broken out following the publication in specialist batsmen's magazine, 'What Stroke' of images of a close associate of M's. Sporting what are claimed to be blisters caused by stroking balls to the boundary, Middy Xfield may have unwittingly exposed himself as the new keeper of the unwholesome volumes of porn.

Our expert in blisters and their causes, Prof. Phil Atio, has examined the images of Xfield and has been able to confirm that no cricket bat would cause that specific kind of injury.

Our attempts to interview Xfield were met with hostility and anger. It's clearly a touchy subject.

Probably...

Amazing cricket tour to Barbados...

League cup finalists...

Promotion to Division 1...

Record numbers of playing members...

Cheap beer prices...

Optimism, happiness and joy...



Carlsberg don't do Chairmen, but if they did, they'd probably be the best Chairmen in the World.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Uproar as Speakers Announced


A press conference at St Matthews was today plunged into chaos as protestors stormed the stage, bringing about an abrupt end to Chairman Moseley's latest ill-informed announcement.

As the leader of the cricket club attempted to unveil the speakers for the 2006 Presentation Evening, the supposedly popular TV duo, Ant & Dec, a masked gang of protestors took to the stage to demand the resignation of the Chairman.

The hour long protest involved much chanting, blood letting, a mock execution and the worship of an image representing somebody called 'AW'.

Translators were not on hand to capture the tiny Geordie men's comments on the sudden interruption, but Moseley moved to assure press reporters that he was confident the twosome would still be appearing later in the year at the Social Club.

Fantasy League Update - 10 July

Even more bizarre than that hairstyle is the news that Beasty is the current Fantasy League Most Valuable Player


Fantasy League Table

570 H's Heroes
480 James' Batters
478 His Holiness Life Chairmans VI
444 Whitemast's Wonders
423 Xfieldo's Magicians
383 Oggy Dynamoes
86 Senior Select Six

Most Valuable Player Table

384 Beasty
376 Oggy
344 Hatty Moccom
297 Earpy
242 The Skip
220 Middy Xfield
161 Herr Schnelling
152 Tungy
143 GazDave
124 Tall Paul