Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Fantasy League Update - 18 August
It's elementary, my dear Watson, how Holmes is a top 10 Fantasy League playerFantasy League Table
829 H's Heroes
759 James' Batters
716 His Holiness Former Chairmans VI
627 Whitemast's Wonders
521 Xfieldo's Magicians
438 Oggy Dynamoes
86 Senior Select Six
Most Valuable Player Table
532 Beasty
522 Earpy
409 Hatty Moccom
404 Oggy
324 Middy Xfield
304 Tsungy
259 The Skip
236 Tall Paul
222 GazDave
176 Herr Schnelling
Thursday, August 10, 2006
2007 Recruitment Poster Unveiled
Calling all former Chairmen, drunken layabouts and, well, just about anyone; How about playing cricket?
It's fun, it's cricket, it's... well, loads of things. So do as Snelling says, and come and play cricket!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Moseley Sacked & Executed
Miles Moseley was this evening sensationally sacked from his position as Chairman of St Matthews Cricket Club bringing an end to a nine-year reign of depraved debauchery and clubwide moral decline.
A murderous posse of angry members had once again gathered outside the Social Club to heckle as Moseley arrived under an armed escort for the monthly meeting. Dissidents of the Moseley reign had been lobbying weaker members of the committee for months, but this evening came the final blow as former Moseleyites rounded on the under-fire leader.
Outside, what had started out as an angry demonstration by a few members soon grew into an anti-chairman riot that required police intervention. Reports suggest that immediately upon hearing the news of the unrest, Moseley ordered his followers to open fire on demonstrators, however most of the committee present sided with the protesters and the coup was born.
A hurried vote took place and Moseley was officially overthrown at 8.45pm with a statement to that effect read immediately to the rioters. Scenes of jubilation were quickly replaced with a bloodthirsty demand for vengeance as the revolutionaries stormed the meeting and dragged Moseley outside.
A hastily arranged kangaroo court laid charges at Moseley's door ranging from dropping that dolly of a catch to win the game against Beaudesert a decade ago, through to genocide. Found guilty on all charges, despite much more than reasonable doubt being presented, Moseley was sentenced to immediate execution.
Punishment was swiftly actioned as the baying crowd roared on. A loud cheer arose as the severed head was finally displayed on a pike at the entrance to the Social Club while each of his limbs was dispatched to the four corners of Britain as a warning to all who followed him.
As the excitement died down, remaining committee members pondered the state of the club. Rudderless and adrift in stormy waters with a mutanous crew - where next for the good ship St Matthews? "Certainly not Okehampton" commented one...
Friday, July 28, 2006
Porn Mountain Finds New Home?
Strong rumours are presently circulating that the EU Surplus Porn Mountain, which was formally stored at a secret and secure location in Scholars Gate, Burntwood, has been moved under cover of darkness to a new home.
The guardian of the perverse accumulation, known only as M to protect his identity, was today unmoved on the story.
"I don't want to leave anyone in a sticky position over this", M announced through a spokesperson, "I can't understand how you came upon these rumours and I'd like to stiffly bash them on the head right away. If the guardianship of the mountian were to ever pass to another, I'd like to assure you that the press would be informed beforehand".
However, mass debate has broken out following the publication in specialist batsmen's magazine, 'What Stroke' of images of a close associate of M's. Sporting what are claimed to be blisters caused by stroking balls to the boundary, Middy Xfield may have unwittingly exposed himself as the new keeper of the unwholesome volumes of porn.
Our expert in blisters and their causes, Prof. Phil Atio, has examined the images of Xfield and has been able to confirm that no cricket bat would cause that specific kind of injury.
Our attempts to interview Xfield were met with hostility and anger. It's clearly a touchy subject.
The guardian of the perverse accumulation, known only as M to protect his identity, was today unmoved on the story.
"I don't want to leave anyone in a sticky position over this", M announced through a spokesperson, "I can't understand how you came upon these rumours and I'd like to stiffly bash them on the head right away. If the guardianship of the mountian were to ever pass to another, I'd like to assure you that the press would be informed beforehand".
However, mass debate has broken out following the publication in specialist batsmen's magazine, 'What Stroke' of images of a close associate of M's. Sporting what are claimed to be blisters caused by stroking balls to the boundary, Middy Xfield may have unwittingly exposed himself as the new keeper of the unwholesome volumes of porn.
Our expert in blisters and their causes, Prof. Phil Atio, has examined the images of Xfield and has been able to confirm that no cricket bat would cause that specific kind of injury.
Our attempts to interview Xfield were met with hostility and anger. It's clearly a touchy subject.
Probably...
Amazing cricket tour to Barbados...
League cup finalists...
Promotion to Division 1...
Record numbers of playing members...
Cheap beer prices...
Optimism, happiness and joy...
Carlsberg don't do Chairmen, but if they did, they'd probably be the best Chairmen in the World.
League cup finalists...
Promotion to Division 1...
Record numbers of playing members...
Cheap beer prices...
Optimism, happiness and joy...
Carlsberg don't do Chairmen, but if they did, they'd probably be the best Chairmen in the World.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Uproar as Speakers Announced
A press conference at St Matthews was today plunged into chaos as protestors stormed the stage, bringing about an abrupt end to Chairman Moseley's latest ill-informed announcement.
As the leader of the cricket club attempted to unveil the speakers for the 2006 Presentation Evening, the supposedly popular TV duo, Ant & Dec, a masked gang of protestors took to the stage to demand the resignation of the Chairman.
The hour long protest involved much chanting, blood letting, a mock execution and the worship of an image representing somebody called 'AW'.
Translators were not on hand to capture the tiny Geordie men's comments on the sudden interruption, but Moseley moved to assure press reporters that he was confident the twosome would still be appearing later in the year at the Social Club.
Fantasy League Update - 10 July
Fantasy League Table
570 H's Heroes
480 James' Batters
478 His Holiness Life Chairmans VI
444 Whitemast's Wonders
423 Xfieldo's Magicians
383 Oggy Dynamoes
86 Senior Select Six
Most Valuable Player Table
384 Beasty
376 Oggy
344 Hatty Moccom
297 Earpy
242 The Skip
220 Middy Xfield
161 Herr Schnelling
152 Tungy
143 GazDave
124 Tall Paul
Saturday, June 24, 2006
World Cup 2006
The World Cup is well underway, so roving reporter, Stan Whitemast has reviewed some of the World's leading teams and drawn some startling comparisons to SMHCC members!
England - Rich
Won something decades ago, then spent years in the wilderness until returning as a genuine contender for awards.
Argentina - Gaz/Dave
On their day, utterly magnificent World beaters. Not on their day, virtually useless.
Trinidad & Tobago - Bake
Maintains a generally laid-back approach to games. What's the hurry?
Mexico - Paul
Used to playing at high altitude.
Australia - Matty Hoccom
Tipped to be a strong contender one day, but for now takes a regular hammering.
Brazil - Oggy
Good technique, wears yellow a lot and is always winning trophies.
Italy - Beasty
Spends most of the time diving on the floor, often in the running for silverware although has been involved in bribery and corruption scandals in the past.
Cameroon - Tungy
A bold, gallant style. A style that often fails.
Germany - Middy Xfield
Always in the running for trophies but with dubious hairstyles.
Spain - Earpy
Looks good, but rarely wins anything. Another one that spends a lot of time diving on the floor.
France - Math
Good with wine. On the pitch, only ever performs well in short spells.
Japan - Tambo
Stereotypically short in stature.
Columbia - Chris
Traditionally long haired and smoking funny smelling fags.
Eire - Steve R
Serves up a lot of Guiness.
USA - Miles
Off the field a superpower. On the field, weak.
Uruguay - HT
Won things many years ago, does very little these days.
England - Rich
Won something decades ago, then spent years in the wilderness until returning as a genuine contender for awards.
Argentina - Gaz/Dave
On their day, utterly magnificent World beaters. Not on their day, virtually useless.
Trinidad & Tobago - Bake
Maintains a generally laid-back approach to games. What's the hurry?
Mexico - Paul
Used to playing at high altitude.
Australia - Matty Hoccom
Tipped to be a strong contender one day, but for now takes a regular hammering.
Brazil - Oggy
Good technique, wears yellow a lot and is always winning trophies.
Italy - Beasty
Spends most of the time diving on the floor, often in the running for silverware although has been involved in bribery and corruption scandals in the past.
Cameroon - Tungy
A bold, gallant style. A style that often fails.
Germany - Middy Xfield
Always in the running for trophies but with dubious hairstyles.
Spain - Earpy
Looks good, but rarely wins anything. Another one that spends a lot of time diving on the floor.
France - Math
Good with wine. On the pitch, only ever performs well in short spells.
Japan - Tambo
Stereotypically short in stature.
Columbia - Chris
Traditionally long haired and smoking funny smelling fags.
Eire - Steve R
Serves up a lot of Guiness.
USA - Miles
Off the field a superpower. On the field, weak.
Uruguay - HT
Won things many years ago, does very little these days.
Fantasy League Update - 24 June
Fantasy League Table
433 H's Heroes
403 James' Batters
379 Xfieldo's Magicians
359 His Holiness Life Chairman's VI
339 Whitemast's Wonders
266 Oggy Dynamoes
86 Senior Select Six
Most Valuable Player Table (Top 8)
259 Hatty Moccom
255 Beasty
242 The Skip
241 Oggy
235 Earpy
143 GazDave
121 Middy Xfield
110 Herr Schnelling
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